Late Night Musings

Stacy-

It is daily that I still have to tell myself to take everything in, let go of the little things, focus on what is important. Life has slipped past me in seconds. I had a baby in my arms and I blinked, and now she is closer to walking away than to staying. You have sacrificed plenty, and I know that to be true. Never let guilt get in the way of finding all of the positives that you have provided to your child. It is a waste of time, emotion and will not change a thing. Here is a blog that I wrote two years ago when I dropped Reagan off at school for fourth grade. It still sums up how I feel...


I Remember



I remember when I was barely older than a child myself and you terrified me with the unknown. Your growth caused wonder and your movements brought thoughts of overwhelming ineptitude. When you came to me, you were an answer to a question.



I remember when you fit into the curve beneath my collarbone: chin tucked, fists balled and eyes clenched tight. Your breath was sweet and your heartbeat quick. You mewed softly in your sleep and your weight was a tiny immeasurable pillow against my chest.



I remember when I cried myself to sleep at night doubting my abilities and only noticing my inadequacies. You were a tribute, a godsend, a tormentor and a wingless angel. Spaghetti covered and laughing bubbles, you showed me the battle of me becoming us.



I remember discovering fears that never existed and restraint that only love brings. I was second guessing regret, before regret even had time to appear. Bright eyes, round cheeks and responsibility. You gave me reason; reason to breathe, reason to sleep, reason to love, and reason to live.



Now little one, I walk you once again to the door and release you. It was hard this time… is it ever easy? My infant, my toddler, my preschooler, my child. I look in your face and see the heartbreak that will be mine, all mine, when you pack your bags and become an adult.



I love you. - Mom (saying goodbye at the door to fourth grade)